answering the unanswered.

This post comes with a great deal of openness on my part.
In fact, I'd venture to say most reading this will be surprised that I would share something like this.
But I need you to know the sincerity of God's commitment as our Heavenly Father - to be our Protector, our Provider, to walk us through the good and the bad.  To never leave.
To give and to take away.

With the posts leading up to this one you might guess that we have been given something else.
And you're right!!.......
But lets start with what was "taken away."

I'm going to share with you a quick snippet of something I jotted down in June 2002.......
"I personally think Hannah is a fantastic woman.  To make such a vow is just so amazing.  I don't know what it would be like to be childless, but I can imagine very painful.  I know I want to have 5 children and it would kill me if I was barren.  She gave up her son for the Lord.  She is a great woman.  she had so much trust in the Lord and she kept her vow."

I find it so interesting how much of this jumps out at me.
10 years ago I felt a connection with Hannah. (more on Hannah's story- in case you are not familiar)
10 years ago I wanted 5 children.
10 years ago I worried about struggling with infertility.

But God allowed that in my life.
Yes, I have 4 children, and I birthed 3 of them......

Well, they came with help.
I still to this day thank God for the role that medical intervention has had in my life.
A while ago I joked with Tim that if we had been born when our grandparents were born he wouldn't have his wife or any of his children!
Bad joke?  Well, it was a gateway to talk about how awesome it is that God protected me through brain surgery... and continuing on, how excellent it was that there is so much medicine now to be able to help otherwise "barren" women have children.

Years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS.
Poly Cycstic Ovarian Syndrome.
You're more than welcome to read up on it, but I'll give you the long and the short of it as it pertains to me - I have high testosterone levels, high LH levels, and irregular cycles.

These things combine to a very difficult, if not impossible time conceiving on one's own.

I didn't think much of the diagnosis until Tim and I decided we wanted to have children.
So I figured I might as well talk to a doctor about my concerns.Her suggestion seemed easy enough - Clomid....a fertility drug.
Take 2 tablets for 5 days...and do what married people do.
Easy peasy.
We were fortunate to announce that we were pregnant with Cale after 3 months time.

After Cale was a little over 1 year old, we decided it could possibly be time for another.
Enter Clomid again.
This time success was achieved on the first go-around.
This baby did not make it to term, and Tim and I still grieve him/her.

After the loss, things got tricky.  We were definitely ready, but it wasn't happening.  Clomid had "run it's course" and I was instructed to visit a specialist.

I can remember envy at this point in my life.
Friends and family members were announcing their pregnancies all around us.   
"Another surprise baby for so-and-so," I'd say to Tim, all the while feeling very green....
hm......

It would never work that way for us.
No, we'd have to continue to have invasive medical testing done and share our private lives in order to do something that is suppose to be natural.
God created human beings to reproduce!  That's how the world gets populated!!!
Shouldn't it be easy?  Why should anyone NEED to struggle through things like this when there are teenagers getting knocked up and conceptions caused by extramarital affairs....
We were in a solid relationship - committed to each other and to God! 
Why choose us to bear this burden?

I think during the course of the the whirlwind that was our adoption of Megersa - I learned why.
Because God is in control.
The fact that Tim and I basically just "decided" to adopt Megersa without really putting together the numbers is shocking, isn't it?  Someone once accused us of "putting the cart before the horse."
And perhaps this person was right -
But - I got a stirring that I took for a calling and not long after - I was sold.
The benefits surely would outweigh the cost.  Adding a new life to our family was more important than a savings account.

Fast forward to the summer of 2010.  Tim and I started making plans again.  2 kids may seem enough to some families - but I, in particular am a glutton for punishment, because I marched myself into the Reproductive Endocrinologist's office and boldly stated I was ready to have another child.

Because of the previous fertility treatments I had undergone, I was "generously" given 2 options - Injectable Gonatropins or IVF.
I didn't think I needed IVF - I had conceived twice and birthed one child already - so I was confident that our shot at pregnancy could be achieved without this form of medical intervention.  ...Well that, and our insurance didn't cover any of it.
I had some experience with injectables and truthfully, they really weren't too bad.
Tim and I decided we would try for about 3-4 months, and if God chose not to bless us again biologically, we would take it as a sign and put our efforts into starting the long adoption process again.
So, we went through the tedious and somewhat humiliating aspects of this process...  We came through it blessed with not one, but two babies - on our first go.
And, well, you've seen them - you know the rest.  4 under 4.
__________________________________________________________________________

Several months back, I started family planning again.
I talked Tim's ear off about when would be the perfect time to grow our family again.
I talk and talk because it needs to be carefully planned.  There are so many doctors visits involved, insurance companies to talk to, medications to purchase... Though out of my control, a big part of this process is very much controlled by what we 'choose' to do.

I recently had 2 friends, given very very slim odds (like 1% or less) of getting pregnant without help just announce they are pregnant.  And while an announcement such as this might have once turned me a little green, I was beyond overjoyed for them.  I was so happy to congratulate them!  And as I talked with God about it, I praised Him for His awesome surprises! 

I arrived at my first "baseline" appointment.  I got my blood-work done and was waiting in the room for the doctor to come in and check my uterine lining and ovarian reserve.  A thought passed through my brain - "Wouldn't it be so awesome if the doc did the ultrasound and found out I was already pregnant?  I wouldn't have to go through this process at all!"  I quickly pushed the thought away.  I didn't think it would really happen.
I know God answers prayers.  I got the answer to my longstanding prayer.  And the answer was no.  I would be one of those ladies who has issues with infertility.  I would not conceive on my own.
And I had come to grips with it.

But now?
Well, you can imagine what happened.
I did lay back on that table...and the doctor did see an already existing pregnancy.
All on "our own"...without medical help.
But NOT without God.
I was stunned.  Tim was FLOORED.
We rejoiced over this life and were so grateful to be able to tell everyone about the miracle that we are experiencing.  It still doesn't seem real.

Perhaps I was under the wrong impression about God's answer to my prayer.
I assumed that God's answer was no, but it really was "wait."

He is always in control and all things really do work together for good to those that love Him.

So here's to #5, our little miracle God was waiting to bless us with. :)
Estimated due date - Feb 6, 2013.

...no, we don't know if it's a boy or girl yet.